For this time being, I often get sick and frustrate toward my studies. Unlike my bachelor’s journey, I do think to “just” graduate as soon as possible, as fast as I can, but as fact, these mindset, hold me back. Becoming pragmatic doesn’t solve my problem but make it more complicated and difficult. I know my problem and its solution but I scared to answer it.
As I let my fingers dance in keyboard, I try to find again the reason why I continue my study. Reminding my “aged” age, continuing study without any. Sometimes, I do regret with my choice to take this degree. But in the same time, I remember how hard I pursue the condition where am I now. Its too far to quit, but too desperate to continue. I never imagine that my study life will this challenging. I know for sure that this stage will not last forever, but as I drag it as slow as possible to avoid the pain, this stage can continue and haunted my soul like forever. I need to end this struggle soon. I need to slap and kick my self hard to wake immediately and continue my battle.
Because of being pragmatic is not suit me at all, I try to become idealist and crave my idealistic mindset, once again. What are advantages for myself and people around me if finished and complete my study? I try to make list, make thousand reasons, and get back my internal motivation. But, my fear is bigger than my courage to finish it.
I need to finish this soon because I want to escape from these endless anxiety of new massage from my Professor; of the tickling calendar that turn day to week to months to a new semester; of reminder massage from scholarship that ask me to renew some documents. I need to finish this soon because I miss the atmosphere of classroom and children who running away from corridor; I am longing for meeting new students in counselling room, talk heart to heart, listen and understand whole-heartily; I am yearning my self to give and share to society in any form of help and kindness. People around me and my own self need me. I need breakthrough and become my new self, with my timeless idealism. That’s why I need to graduate soon.
I need to believe my self, my capabilities, my competency, my power, my ability, my strength and weakness, my future and opportunity that I can conquer and win this battle on time safely.
May Allah bless me.
Laa hawla wa laa quwwata illa billah.